Regression?

It's been a while since I've come on here to post. If you're reading this I appreciate you being here. I needed to vent and felt like this was the best place to do so.

Today was my second official practice full length MCAT exam. I scored a 488. 

I took my diagnostic half length exam earlier this year - maybe about March. I scored  a 495- not bad for the first exam but also not great. 

So much has happened since then - too much to type for my liking at the moment, but things are a little better and I thought that this would reflect on my exam. 

The two exams that I took after the diagnostic - I screwed up royally. I didnt finish them and had these weird break downs as I took them. Well... the second one I think ended up finishing but the third I totally did not. 

Fast forward to today... I thought I would do better because :

1. I have been studying more efficiently (or I'd like to think so)

2. I'm back on my anxiety/depression meds (as opposed to the 2nd and 3rd time)

3. I didn't feel like this exam was super hard like the other two

I've already rescheduled my exam twice 😞. My exam is scheduled for Sept 2nd. I was really hoping to take it on that date for the first time ever and just be done with it, move forward with my life, and do the rest of the things I need to complete my application for next cycle. 

As of right now, it's not looking like that will happen. I told myself that I would finish this exam today and that no matter what happens I will take this as a learning experience but I cannot seem to avoid being sad although I am proud of myself for sitting through the whole exam. It has just felt like everything i've been doing has been a waste of time but maybe I shouldn't think that way because I've definitely learned things but what good is that if I cannot apply it?

I've been doing my Anki cards practically every day and even catching up with the ones I'm not able to do due to work. I'm working on UWorld and even though my grades suck, I've been reviewing my questions to learn from them.

I'm hoping that this score is really just a reflection of my lack of test taking -- I should probably be taking weekly exams and reviewing them and honing down on topics I am continuing to get wrong. That's what I think I'll start doing. 

This exam is not about being smart but using what we've learned and applying them. 

I can't help to think what couldve made me get such a low score (besides running out of time on some of the sections). I am too nervous? scared? inexperienced? 

I don't know what else to do anymore - I can't afford a tutor, I don't even really know how to use one. I have so many resources I am overwhelmed and cannot fit them all into my schedule. 

I feel like I am drowning... drowning between wanting to do better to be able to help family and giving up and just living a simple life. 

....But a simple life cannot even afford be the 3 bedroom that I need so that my growing kids can have their own room. One is already a pre-teen and the other is growing wayy too fast.  

I don't want pity -- I just am frustrated. The drowning almost feels like the subtlest of panic attacks, screaming without any sound. Sometimes I feel like I am dying inside. 

I am the only one that can change my situation and this is all up to me. 

My goal score is 510.